Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Endurance

One of the aspects of single motherhood that I find the most difficult is how easily I’m toppled. I feel like I’m always one step away from complete disaster and there is so much out of my control. I not enjoy the sensation of “living on the edge” at all times, but I must say that it has increased my faith. I do not have all the solutions to the challenges that enter our lives. My first reaction is often to panic.  The responsibility weighs heavily on me.

 
What I am continuing to learn is that my first reaction cannot be the one where I settle. It’s alright to let that sense of panic and paralysis wash over me, but I’ve got to move onto pursuing a plan.

 
This week I’ve had several hurdles for which there is no quick fix.
  • Communication with my ex is difficult. There are discrepencies between his version and mine, disagreements about dates, competition for the children’s affection. It is not pretty and very stressful. 
  • My babysitter unexpectedly quit, citing drama in her own personal life. She was a fantastic gift whom I trusted greatly and I’m very sad to have lost the consistency and help she provided our family. I’m also scrambling to cover childcare while I work. I’m considering that I will need to place my youngest in full time daycare style setting to eliminate the dramatic and undependable individual care we have enjoyed at home. This will be a big shift for him and for me. It coincides with my daughter beginning kindergarten next month.  I'm relying on my village today.
  • My home suffered damage in the recent storms. We need a new roof, siding and soffit repair, as well as some additional work. I am thankful for insurance, but the deductible and the oversight of these tasks is a job for which I am not prepared and will have to learn much.
Each week feels like another challenge. I’m doing my best to honor God when circumstances are difficult. I find myself so weary. I’m trying to shelter my children from the stress, and selfishly I just want thing to go smoothly for a while.

 
Clearly, God has allowed these challenges and from experience I know that He already has provided the solutions. In this world we will have troubles and this isn't the first time I've faced them.  I am praying for strength and joy right in the middle of the chaos. It’s not handling one issue that proves one’s integrity, it is the enduring devotion and faith that persists when there is no end to the challenge in sight. I must keep my eyes focused on our God who is more than capable because my weakness makes me feel so very vulnerable.  Today, I'm reminding myself of this hourly.