Monday, August 16, 2010

Forever Friends

I can hardly believe we will all be arriving at Renee's home in less than three weeks!

Arrival times - Friday, Sept. 3rd
Lacy - 7:25 pm
Missy - 7:25 pm
Leslie - 7:50 pm
Anita - 8:05 pm

Departure times - Monday, Sept. 6th
Lacy - 9:45 am
Leslie - 10:00 am
Missy - 10:30 am
Anita - 12:05 pm

Can I Trust?

I've really been struggling...mostly with the long term effects of divorce on my children.  I struggle sending them to their father's for visits and worry about the lack of consistency.  I would feel awful to live split between two locations!  Still, I can do nothing to change this.  Every book and expert say how important it is for them to spend time with their Daddy and yes, they adore him.  So I've got to trust they'll be okay. 

Again, it comes back to an issue with control.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Realization

I was almost asleep last night when I just couldn't believe that I will actually be unmarried.  I will no longer own the status of wife.  How very, very strange it feels.  I don't know it if it feels bad, sad, mostly just strange and unknown, with all of those other emotions stirred in a bit.  It is a recipe for change, no doubt, and change is scary for me. 

I'm trying to remain focused on what I know, what hasn't changed.  My life is owned by Christ and even in this journey of divorce, I'm seeking to live in a way that honors Him.  Is that even possible?  At one time, I would have piously decreed that yes, it is impossible to be serving Christ and seeking divorce - the two were incompatible in my human mind.  I've become much less willing to disperse judgement upon walking through the difficult valleys of the past years.  I know what grace I need, I am aware of my great lack in godliness.  My confidence is eroded and I can only throw myself on Christ, begging for His mercy and care of myself and little ones.  It's true - I may seem resolute, but I daily question the integrity of my own choices.

Today I remain on this path, feeling it is the one set before me.  However, I am aware that I may be wrong, or God may ask me to change and I want to be willing to do as He asks.  He is with me and for me, then whom shall I fear?